No Sex Please , We Are Hungry!!

ITS bad news for men  women really do prefer chocolate to sex.

A survey for a shopping centre  has found that while women put chocolate at number four in their list of things that makes them happiest, sex comes in at number five.

Among the other findings are that the top way for women to cheer themselves up is eating. It doesnt say what. Lettuce? Celery sticks? Not likely. More chocolate, surely?

Number three in the happiest moments category is in bed. Having wild sex? Dont be silly, weve already made ourselves quite clear with the chocolate question. At least there is no mention of actually booting him out of bed.

Had they given interviewees a choice of in bed with other-half or in bed alone with crisp sheets (ironed by someone else), bottle of Chardonnay, family pack of Maltesers and Prison Break on the telly, the latter would have won hands down.

This is pretty grim reading for men all round, but then had they asked chaps the same questions, I reckon the fairer sex would be pretty miffed by the results. So, just to even things up a bit, here are the official her lists, joined by my own him lists.

Things that make you happiest

HER

1. Being with family;

2. Being in love;

3. Holidays;

4. Chocolate;

5. Sex.

HIM

1. Her going to her family, so he can stay in and watch rugby on the telly in peace;

2. That bit at the beginning of a relationship, before mortgages and babies, when she is so in love with him she will have sex with him a lot;

3. Holidays  she might have sex with him;

4. Beer;

5. Internet porn.

Top 10 best gifts

HER

1. A weekend away;

2. Cash for a shopping spree;

3. Chocolate;

4. Flowers;

5. A beauty treatment.

HIM

1. A dirty weekend away;

2. Not being forced to go on the shopping spree with her;

3. Beer;

4. A subscription to Auto Trader magazine;

5. Her giving him a massage (yeah, right, like thats going to happen! Try emptying the dishwasher every so often&).

Happiest moments

HER

1. At home;

2. By the sea;

3. In bed;

4. Shopping;

5. In the bath.

HIM

1. At the pub;

2. In the sea  fishing;

3. In bed, having sex, or anywhere having sex, really;

4. Cataloguing his CD collection;

5. In the shower. Its the only place in the house he can shut the door to shut out the noise of her nagging.

Secrets from the women’s toilets

MEN often wonder what goes on in ladies loos. Now the truth can be revealed. Women have punch-ups.

Jockey Kieran Fallons estranged wife Julie, 41, has just been fined £400 and given a 12-month unconditional discharge for attacking another woman in the toilets of a pub.